how does twenty seven feel? J asked me on my birthday four days ago. it took me the whole day to actually recognize the feeling of being one year older. yes, i am somehow a slightly different person from who i was a year ago. also yes, i am still a fool.
a year has passed, has it? mistakes were made, failures were formed into important lessons – and then what’s left? perhaps, a square meter of an empty space, a glass half full to refill, to evaluate, to breathe in the possibilities of a better version of self. perhaps, this time i can forgive – myself and others. perhaps, this time i can let go without fear. and perhaps, this time growing would simply mean knowing when to accept and when to refuse.
it has been twenty seven year i am circling around the sun, with the earth beneath my feet, yet i oftentimes forget to ground myself, to erase the expectation my ego creates. am i wiser? i wouldn’t dare to declare i am, but i am learning. what does it take to be wise other than sharing and caring? i suppose it’s understanding, it’s knowing that one’s perspective is not objective, it is purely subjective – therefore others’ perspectives are valid for them, not necessarily for me. mine is not the same as others, including the choices, including the paths, including the reality. nothing is as concrete as it seems, it might be illusive, changeable.
V told me the other day that i need to learn more on how to trust myself, to believe that i will get to wherever i put my focus on – even by not knowing how, nobody knows anyway. the only way to get there is to walk toward it. the only way to know something is to get to know it, to accept whatever may come out of it, to give in to the flow of life. i tend to resist before doing, to answer without taking any consideration, to jump only to find out i hit rock bottom. i need to remember to take things slowly, not everything has to be done at the same time.
there is nothing much going on in my life at this precise moment, just another layer of learning, of committing; to love myself without the need to compare, to take care of myself before anyone else so i will know how, to feel blissfully in the simplest way, to grow even in the places where it seems impossible. there will be time for each and everyone of us either to roam or to build a home, i’m staying here for whatever purpose it is – but i know i’m not the type of person who will settle in one place for good. i know i will move, eventually. until then, this is my home. i am my home, has always been.
so i guess happy belated birthday, you fool. just because you’re older, it doesn’t mean you have to start to plan on anything. if there is one thing you learn the most, it’s understanding that nothing goes as planned. don’t judge, it is very important not to judge. play, always, all the time. everything will be boring if you take it seriously, yes, including your job. think of it as a playground where you have all this time and all this chance to gain as much knowledge as you want, that’s how everything else applies. you will learn anything else along the way. you are made out of happiness and you are equipped with survival skill, those are enough to make it easier to be human. always be soft, the world has enough toughness around. you already made your way to come to an existence, you are a resilient one since the beginning. whatever you leave behind, it stays there. whatever you’re worried about ahead, it is not happening. time does exist, yet the only time that matters is now. enjoy the ride, love.